https://pixabay.com/users/Michael_Luenen-2998623/
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Being abused in childhood, impacted my mind permanently. I am not saying this abuse rules my mind but it will at least lay dormant until I die.
Happiness was impossible, imminent danger lived inside my home and I was his only target.
Survival and shame dominated my thoughts, helped formulate my unworthy self image and destroyed my nervous system.
I always knew something was wrong, like I was flawed, unworthy, not like other people.
Then one day in my 50’s a family crisis ignited my childhood trauma. It was alive, bringing that terrifying jolt to my solar plexus, cortisol and adrenaline, PTSD’s scare drugs.
Took me 6 years to heal or improve, for the suffering to curtail and life to have a little lightness, some contentment.
When I improved or healed, the suffering dissipated, the intrusive thoughts lost power without attention.
For 60 years I enjoyed momentary joy from accomplishments, however happiness was a stranger.
To heal or improve, I had dedicated five hours a day to meditating and healing.
On this journey, while entering into mundane tasks, (a mindful practice) I found happy moments.
Moments free of any deadline or time apparatus, where thought had curtailed, where things unfolded naturally.
These moments calmed my being beyond any prior feeling.
Looking at nature one day, I saw perfection, was it out of body or was I just one with it?
I believe if I can find some happiness, then you can also.
It is not easy, it takes courage and daily action.
Thoughts?
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